As the body ages

Television helped me identify two significant health problems.

The first was over thirty years ago.  I was complaining to my then wife about the lousy picture on the television; I was going to ring a technician to get it fixed.  She enquired what was wrong with the picture and I said it was blurry; it looked like there where two pictures operating simultaneously.  Our picture was clear.  At this time, I was a Police dog handler in Hamilton New Zealand and a few weeks before had been tracking an offender through the back of properties.  We came to a fence and Cara, my Police dog, flew through between the wires.  I quickly followed.  My size 11 boots caught in the wire of the fence and I went face first into the picture perfect flower garden.  The flowers supported by stakes, held their heads high.  The stake however, broke my fall by going into my right eye.  I went to hospital, diagnosed with concussion and sent home.

To settle the TV picture quality dispute I went to my Optician and discovered I had double vision in my right eye from the stake and so started a long journey of wearing glasses every day.

 The (recent) second Television event identified health problem was around the volume of the set.  To hear it, I had it within two bars of the top of the volume range.  Again, the problem was easy- we needed a decent TV.  One night I accidentally overhead my wife on the phone to our oldest son; she complained about how loud I had the TV.  With my tail wrapped up high between my legs, I slunk of to the audiologist.  I knew I had “minor” hearing problems because in the last few years I have been asking others to repeat what they said.  I also have a hereditary problem with my father and oldest brother both being deaf.  Therefore, the odds are at some stage I might run this risk.

The first test is with earplugs in, listening to “beep” noises and pushing a button when you hear the beep.  I knew I did not do very well at the test because, logic said the beeps must have a pattern to them and I did not hear many beeps.  The second test was ridiculously easy.  A voice says a word into the earphone and you repeat the word aloud.  The audiologist sat behind me. I heard the word “Golf” and repeated it aloud.  Then the volume is a bit lower and you repeat the exercise.  One word I struggled with, because of the bad pronunciation.   I knew I had the rest 100% correct.  Then a long silence, so I guessed the audiologist was playing with her equipment.  Next thing I know she is taking out the earpieces and taking me to a new machine to test my inner ear.  This test was not pleasant but it was quickly over.

“Now, your test results, Bruce!”  I was very happy they might show at the very least a minor problem.

“You have significant hearing loss and we need to talk about hearing aids.”

“What – I flew through the word test.”

She smiled at me knowingly. 

“Your first word test you got 100% right” – I beamed “the only problem is that it was at such a volume for people with normal hearing it is too loud for them to hear the words correctly.”  - My smile diminishes just a wee bit.

“But I flew through the second test; I know I stumbled on one word, but the person had terrible pronunciation.”

“Bruce, you got all of those words wrong.”  - The smile has completely gone, not only from the outside, but also in my inner being.

I heard the first and last letter of each of the words and my brain swiftly and deftly drew on its incredible database to work out what I thought the word should be.  I looked at the list of words I was supposed to say, and the other of what I actually said.  I do not know how long I stared at the list in disbelief. 

“The second test is still too loud for people with normal hearing.  You never heard a single word that was said at normal hearing level.”

Then the stunner!

“It is just as well you are not trying to learn another language – you will never hear the words pronounced correctly.”

I have been at night class for the last four years trying to learn Te Reo Maori – to speak Maori.  All I have heard through this process is criticism of my pronunciation.  At the time of writing, I am waiting for my hearing aids.  I hope that I can pick up the language with greater ease and clarity, but for years, I have punished myself for incompetence, when in fact it was a hearing disability.