As he entered the restaurant Marcus dipped his head. Although lanky, no one noticed him standing just inside the door, surveying the scene. It was one he had seen many times - staff straightening tables, making swans out of napkins and polishing cutlery.
Marcus checked his watch. Ten minutes to opening time.
He made his way to the double hinged door leading to the kitchen and pushed through. At the shuffle of his boots Jonas looked up, cleaver raised above a chopping board on which lay chunks of meat.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ Jonas demanded.
After editing using Stylefit
Marcus dipped his head as he entered the restaurant. He frowned impatiently. One day people would build doors for tall people.
The restaurant was busy, with workers preparing for opening time.
Shame it wasn't going to happen. A smile played on his lips and his eyes tightened.
A young woman straightened the silverware at a setting and carefully positioned the swan she had just made from folded napkins.
Marcus checked his watch. Ten minutes to go. He entered the dining area and strode toward the swinging kitchen door. The waitress setting up the table looked up and sucked in a deep breath.
He marched to the double hinged door leading to the kitchen and pushed through. At the shuffle of his boots, Jonas looked up, cleaver raised above a chopping board on which chunks of meat lay.
‘What are you doing here?’ Jonas demanded.
---
Marcus’ lip curled.
‘Thought I’d pay a visit.' He sent Jonas a bitter glare from ice blue eyes, 'But really it’s none of your business.’
With a toss of his head he dismissed Jonas and looked across to where Marie was preparing meringue desserts.
At the sound of his voice, she turned, ‘Marc….’ she started to say.
Marcus pulled a gun from his pocket and aimed.
‘No…o…o!’ Jonas shouted, throwing himself at Marie.
Somewhere behind him he heard the shot cut through the air. As he caught Marie he saw her eyes grow wide and shocked. She stumbled back. Together they fell to the tile floor. He lifted himself from her, horror clutching at his heart. Blood was spreading in a jagged circle on the front of Marie’s white smock. Staggering to his feet he ran after Marcus who had turned away, grim.
‘Why?’ Jonas screamed. ‘Why would you do that to your mother?’
Marcus paused, his hand up to push the door. He pointed the gun.
‘Stay clear Jonas. I don’t want to hurt you.’
Marcus left. The doors swung and rasped against each other.
Jonas sucked in a deep breath. It required an enormous effort to keep from running after Marcus. Instead he focused on the devastation around him.
‘Janie, call the ambulance!’ he yelled. ‘And the police!’
The breath-held aftermath broke into a cacophony of banging furniture, shouting and awful sobbing. Numb, Janie stabbed at the telephone numbers.
A shadowy form slipped out the back door and into the night. She had seen it all.
Authors: Suraya Dewing (NZ), Gregg Mattson (US), Raymond Stone (US)
Comments
I take it the buttons below only pertain to the comment area.
However, perhaps the Save should read Save Comment
and the Preview should read Preview Comment
Thanks!
ELR
For now, I’ll give my experiences and comments, then anyone else that reads this may have an easier time when they add their chapter.
The story and all its chapters are now booked. When you booked your chapter I think the first thing that should happen is an automatic email should be posted to that person explaining what is going to happen. The process of waiting for all chapters to be booked. How many hours/days you have to write your part. That it can be edited afterwards (if it can) - oh, and that it will be automatically viewable by the general public or just Suraya or by just the people involved with the story.
Then the email should state that when ‘your’ turn to write your chapter arrives, you will be given clear instructions, with a link, on what to do. Such as, click on link, click on EDIT for your chapter, make sure the TAB up the top right is set to EDIT not VIEW or COMMENT (or what ever tabs are going to be there).
Then begin typing or copy and paste your text into the field.
I also believe that the text field should support RICH TEXT so that when you copy and paste your text, it doesn’t lose things such as italic text.
Also, when I previewed these comments, I saw that it mashes it all together removing line breaks etc. Possibly would be better for these text fields to support line breaks and Return/Enter.
But, no big deal if it doesn't. It just won't read as easily, is all.
That’s possibly my only comments for now, considering, as I said, this is only the BETA and many more changes are likely still to come.
Oh, and HAVE FUN!
Cheers, Mat.
I've read all the chapters now and one trend I see is the overuse of dialogue. At times it feels like I'm reading a play script rather than a piece of literary work. I appreciate the writers are under pressure for turn around, but the use of narrative takes away my ability to visualize the scene - it is as though I'm being told what to think and see rather than letting the reader create their own imagery.